In good old Britannia it was New Year’s night,
All over the land there was peace, and no fight.
All living creatures enjoyed the grand feast:
Kissme and Ferryman; Smith, haughty beast,
Lasher the Unicorn, Frankie the Fox,
Sultan of Spektran, wine-loving monks;
Dragons and Drakes, guarding treasures of gold,
Next Gen lookalikes of the tough Serpents Hold;
Even those spooks from the Fellowship:
Hook, evil twins, and Batlin the creep.
But there was no party as merry and classy
As the one that shook walls of the Lord British’s castle.
The candles were lit and the music was good,
All tables and stomachs were groaning with food.
Hundreds of guests, half of them uninvited,
Filled the Great Hall, all drunk and excited.
All the familiar faces were here:
Spark, looking sick after five cans of beer,
Next to him was Nastassia, looking so very cute,
Iolo sat with The Avatars and tortured his lute,
While Sentri and Gorn, Tseramed and Dupre,
Back from their quests in the lands far away,
Boasted to peasants of their wild adventures
And flirted with scantily clad serving wenches.
On his high golden throne sat mighty LB,
Right hand clutching the fork and left fondling Nell’s knee.
With a smile on his face, he stood up from his seat
And declared: “Here’s a toast for the Guardian’s defeat!
May Britannia be safe from that villainous muppet,
And may we soon trap his despicable puppet!”
The crowd exploded with cheers and applause,
Preparing to drink for that most fair cause,
When a dark chilling wind swept all over the room,
And the castle descended into blackness and gloom…
There were curses, confusion, shattered bottles of ale,
Sherry’s squealing as somebody stepped on her tail,
While quick-thinking thieves took the dark as a boon,
And hid in their clothes golden goblets and spoons…
“By the virtues!” cried king, and cast quickly Great Light,
“What vile trickster has tried to upset my big night?!”
But, as spell lit the hall, he forgot all his rage,
For a new evil presence has entered the stage.
There stood, chuckling slyly at people below,
A huge red-skinned being dressed in fur chin to toe.
But the big red-white coat still couldn’t disguise
Evil glint in his yellow malevolent eyes.
And even the drunkest half-wits understood
That it was, in fact, the Big Bad Red Dude!
As the Great Hall was filling with panic and fear,
LB snarled: “Spawn of Hell!!! Get thy face out of here!”
“You wound me, my king,” was the mocking reply,
“I’ve no evil intents, I just came to say ‘hi’!
There is no need for panic, or bloodshed, or fright,
I would like to be nice to you this New Year’s night!”
With these words, he retrieved an enormous red sack,
And addressed scared crowd, still taken aback:
“Since you, poor folks, do not have Santa Claus,
I’ve brought you some gifts for the pleasure of yours.
Come closer, my children, do not be afraid,
To each one I’ll give something useful and great:
For young lovely Nell, some maternity wear,
Nice brass plaque for LB, and congrats on the heir!
For Spark and his pimples, some face-cleansing stuff,
And a free yearly pass to the Buccaneer’s Bath.
For Chuck, ‘Kick Me’ sign to be stuck on his back,
Slinky dress for Nastassia, she’ll look great in black;
For that drunkard Dupre, some mint gum for his breath,
And a brochure explaining why booze’s bad for health.
For Shamino, a pair of warm woolen mittens
And a basket with furry adorable kittens.
Iolo gets reading glasses and a comfy wheelchair,
As for still-single Smith, here’s a wisecracking mare.
And to the Avatar, whose nightmares I haunt,
A small music box with my favourite taunts,
Metal pot of a helm you should get used to wearing,
And a patch for U8, so there’s no sweat and swearing.
In addition to that, here’s a word of advice:
When away from Nastassia, behave yourself nice!”
He went on, with a grin that could make your skin crawl:
“Sadly, now comes the time to say ‘bye’ to you all…
And as much as I’d love to stay longer with you,
There’re still dozens of worlds I must pay visit to!”
With the same evil grin splitting bright-scarlet face,
He dived back into dark of the Hall’s fireplace.
But they caught his last words as he faded from sight:
“Till Ascension, my friends! Farewell and good night!”